Yesterday was one I had long dreaded. Even when you know this day is a part of life, a huge hole in the road, and will arrive no matter how hard you deny it, no matter how much you wish it wasn't so...it still came.
Unfortunately, it wasn't a horrible dream and when I awoke this morning, the reality of it smacked me in the face.
I can't even hardly make myself write about it...yet. So, I going to cheat a little, but I know you'll understand. I'm going to paste in the email I sent yesterday to my family members far away...please know that I'll write more later because more is so richly deserved. But, for now, this is all I can manage...
I just wanted to tell you that it's all over....and Kobe, ever the 'no trouble' dog, was no trouble in death. His last gift to me. Kobe died here at home in my arms. It was unbelievably sad, but peaceful. I'm filled with gratitude for having had such a wonderful dog.
I called White Oak in desperation as I saw no way we could make our appointment, he was really struggling...and asked if they could come out. They were very responsive and told me Dr. Dunn (the other Dr. Dunn, the husband) would come after surgery....which he did. However, Kobe was already gone.
It was like a full circle. Kobe didn't have to go be around strangers in a strange place and I got to pet him and whisper in his ear that I loved him and tell him what a wonderful dog he's been.
I didn't realize at first what was happening, I just knew he was having a difficult morning. However, in his last act, he launched himself over to me....imagine that, he wanted to be with me....and I held him and petted him and saw him take his last breath. It was amazing. As he left me, I felt peace and gratitude. Don't misunderstand, I'm unbelievably sad, but it feels like the circle is complete. He left me in the best way possible...
Yesterday, we had a nice day. And, last evening, I went out to do some weeding to help clear my head. I asked him if he wanted to come out and sit at the top of the deck stairs, as he has in the past, and watch me. He did and while I sobbed the whole time I was weeding, I have a beautiful memory of seeing him sitting up there...I would wave to him and he'd lift his head in acknowledgment and I'm sure, wag his tail. After I filled the bag, I came up and sat by him and talked to him and told him again how much I appreciated him and that it was okay, I understood that his time was limited.
My only regret was that as I weeded and looked up at him, that I didn't have a picture of him like that there...I will just have to keep the memory in my heart, though. That he will watch over me from heaven, as he did in life for almost 12 wonderful years.
Kobe, on a beautiful day last summer (061510) with his unforgettable smile and his wagging tail.
I miss you so much.